Tubes is a mixed assortment of community submitted entries that focuses on the human experience through the internet. Some stories are raunchy and sexually charged, and others explain the annoying vagabonds that make it their goal to fill your life with anger and disgust. Most importantly each of these entries are published as an anonymous entry, because more than likely these stories aren’t too far off from an experience you may have had on the web.
FACEBOOK OF HORRORS
I made a fake female facebook account as a social experiment to both prank people and find out more about the men on the internet. The idea was pretty simple: make a facebook account and use a really attractive girl for the profile picture and see what happens from there. But then I got curious as to see if she would still get hit on if the attractive girl had an unattractive personality. I started by making her an idiot, incapable of spelling and unable to hold a conversation because she gets confused at everything under the sun. Her stupidity slowed no guy down. This went on long enough for me to eventually act absolutely repulsive on that account to see if it would be enough. It never was. (I will send you some screenshots or chat logs as examples after I send this part) There was absolutely nothing that would keep these internet men away from a stupid, disgusting, bland, and horrible girl as long as she’s attractive. Guys hidden behind the anonymity of the internet would go after her despite having a girlfriend. I even personally knew one of these guys, we were friends for a while before I deemed him as horrible for trying to cheat on his girlfriend (along with various other douchebaggery). He never knew it was me behind that girl’s facebook and as far as he’s concerned she still exists. I think the best and worst part of the internet is it brings out a persons true colors.
It’s like Lord of the Flies.
THE SHIT GRINDER
Not to make this entry sound like an internet hit-list but by far one of my most hated parts of the internet is the meme phenomenon, or at least the mainstream popularity of it. Years ago in high school when memes were spread through a much smaller community of message board users I found these random little jokes to be quite entertaining. As the years went on and more and more memes started popping up on facebook and, even worse, on people’s t-shirts the enjoyment I once felt with memes completely died. Once funny simple image and jokes had been replaced by cookie cutter images for humorless and unimaginative idiots to place their own shitty brand of humor into. Half the time the memes don’t even have a legitimate reason for the image or the joke, its as if somebody told the public that all you need to do is attach a picture of a penguin or a frog to whatever shitty dialogue line you want and you instantly have bland, uninspired humor for all to suffer through.
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
I was a little boy 10-12 years old and my mom’s victoria secret and JC Penny magazines just weren’t doing it for me. One day on the bus I heard the kids in the back of the bus talking about 69.com. It sounded like the perfect solution. I wasn’t really sure what to expect. I got home and could hardly get my shoes off I needed to see what all the talk was about. After about 5 painfully long minutes trying to connect to my dial up Internet I was in business. The website was everything I could have hoped for. I repeated this action everyday after school before my parents would get home from work. At this time I thoughts cookies were something you eat, I was sadly mistaken. One brave night when I had a friend over I needed to show him what I had discovered, my parents were home so it was a little risky. The dial up Internet got the best of me, my dad came in the computer room and was not able to get out of the site fast enough. I was busted red handed, talk about awkward. Later on he checked the cookies and was able to see everything I was looking at over the past couple days.
GIRLFRIEND FOR HIRE
My college roommate, who we will refer to as S, used seekingarrangement.com to ensure she did not have to move back home with her parents once we graduated from our expensive art school. Sidebar: This is NOT an instance when someone refers to “my friend” and they really mean themselves.
Faced with her parents’ “support yourself if you want to stay in the city, or you can move back home with us” ultimatum, and no job prospects, a $1200 per month rent payment and a chain smoking cigarette habit, S was desperate. When she scrolled through the website, which should have been retitled basicallyprostitution.com, S told me it had been featured in Vanity Fair, written about in Forbes and seen on CNN. She went on about how “Madonna did it before she was famous,” and “It will be great for my memoir.” As a fashion major, she justified all her decisions based on celebrity and pop culture, but now it was expanding beyond her choice to wear tights as pants.
The site seemed like any other dating site, but with one exception; money. If you were the hot, young thing you listed your daily, weekly or monthly rate, and if you were the guy/gal with the wallet, you listed your budget. There was no mention of what you were actually paying for/being paid for, but that’s the loophole to legality I assume. S browsed the profiles, messages received and treated it like she really could eventually care about these people, like they might be her soulmate some day. She cared about they interests in sailing, but would absolutely say no to anyone who golfed or did not attend charity benefits.
She eventually began “seeing” a few men. I feel like I should refer to them as clients, but I never asked about any details just in case the cops came knocking at our door. These relationships lasted a few months, always with S in a panic the older man would stiff her when all her bills were due. This constant stress seemed to wear on her. Luckily, she eventually met someone she actually wanted to be with, where only the normal “who pays on the first date” money issue came up. We stopped hearing about seekingarrangement.com profile matches for months, until her own personal relationship ended and she was fired from her hostessing day job. Now years later, she is now a working professional in the fashion field, but I always wonder as she shows me her latest designer purchase; who really paid for it?
THE WALLS HAVE GUNS
>buy warz, seems legit, still in beta
>try to play the game, get killed by hackers
>protect homies while they gather gear and equipment
>other mother fucker kills friends
>walk through walls and try to sneak up on this cunt
>sit in a building close to him that you cant get into unless you hack
>wait for like 20 minutes. getting closer.
>he walks through the wall right in front of me.
>wastes my ass with an aa-12
>laughs and stupidity are on another level.
Man, I never would have known about “Bronies” if it weren’t for the internet. Guys my age who enjoy watching My Little Pony. Somehow I keep running into them though. Now, nearly all of them are regular people (albeit a little nerdy) with whom I usually have a fair amount in common with - but I’ve definitely met a few of them who take it WAY TOO FAR. I sat down for the first day of class a semester or so ago and this guy walks in holding a stuffed pony. He sits next to me sporting an MLP shirt and fedora. His phone had a pony homescreen. After a few minutes I break the silence by asking him if he’s a brony - to which he enthusiastically replied, “YES, HOW DID YOU KNOW?” We talked for a few minutes and it basically boiled down to me telling him that I didn’t watch the show and didn’t plan on watching it. Every single fucking day for the rest of the semester all he talked about were those fucking ponies. An endless hot diarrhea of pony facts straight onto my bare chest for an hour a day, four days a week. He straight up told me that he jerks it to pony porn too. And how he’s some sort of respected pony “rule 34” artist. He draws cartoon horses in erotic situations. And people wank to it. God bless the internet.
It’s weird, some of the best guys I know are bronies. And some of the most annoying horse fucking pieces of shit I know are bronies too.
HEROES OF BRAZIL
“Minutes that felt like hours go by. We hold off the enemy team’s strong 5-man assault as waves and waves of creeps attack our base tower. Their team pushed with their creeps and decimated our retaliation creeps and as we sit, grouped as 4, huddled around the tower in an attempt to secure it, we look at our mini-map and see our 5th teammate, who managed to attain top tier items and would easily destroy the other team, fighting neutral creeps in our jungle. As we sat in the midst of battle, we furiously typed and shouted through our mics at him, “WE NEED YOU!” “PLEASE COME HELP” “FIGHT WITH US”, but the response was simple, “not til you say sorry huehuehue”. Frustration was at a peak. It was 3am and an entire hour had gone by for a simple 30 minute match. I fought with the might of 5 Heroes in one and miraculously pushed back their onslaught. As we had a moment to breath, our 5th teammate runs to the center of the map and attempts to fight all of them 1v5. Yelling picked up again, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” “WAIT FOR US”, but it was much too late. He died a Brazilian’s death and we were forced to fight wave after wave with dead weight on us.”
TOO FRAT TO CARE
A new popular website has been giving college students a new outlook on their college life, this website is TotalFratMove.com. Though I do enjoy going on this website and reading about other people’s fuck ups and triumphs, but it has given birth to something I can only laugh at… the try hard. Over the course of my time at LTU I have seen people make this transition. One person in particular makes me laugh every time I see him act like this. At the start of his time here he was like your typical college student but almost as soon as TFM was started he changed all the ways of his life to fit this website. He changed the way he talked, his clothes, and tries his hardest at every function he attends to (in his words) “Be frat as fuck”. Even though he tries his hardest to fit this lifestyle he doesn’t do a good job at it and usually just makes a fool of himself. Whether it is him being proud of his rack of Natty or him justifying his laziness as just being “Too Frat To Care” I hope he continues to do it because it makes me laugh every time I see him.